An ultimate immune-system has not been invented yet, for human Relationship based interactions.
Well, as unique mammals, we seem to have an enhanced built-in habit to involuntarily attach suffering to our “goodbyes”, kind of a “must-pay” SAT (Sadness Added Tax).
Yep, Surely, Divorce is a very complex Goodbye…
Sometimes we’re the initiators, sometimes we’re not.
While going through the process, are we acting out our own role and true will ( What do I want, why? how do I want it? what would be the best way to deal with it, choose etc.)? or are we acting out our Mammal fundamental instincts ( Fight or flee, friend or foe, Lawyers, Survival...) ?
Let's Imagine a Post-Divorce scene which does not necessarily have the look & feel of a Crime scene, and can actually have humanly sane grounds & seeds to enable a safe move forward.
There is defiantly no formula on “How to do it right” but true hints and insights are there to be found.
After a very successful personal experience and after coaching multiple couples on ways to avoid the default and make it happen, I felt it’s time to share it on-line.
Feel free to share, tip, ask, challenge and communicate your lines, photos, Art using this blog stage.
Adam
Hi Adam:)
ReplyDeleteMy first tip is just be human, and if you are the side that made the decision, understand that the other side will to go thorough a period of building back his self confidence, that will include humiliating you and neglecting you. accept it as a natural step in their healing process and don't let your ego react instead of your brain.
For me the hard part was not to end the relationship in a friendly human manner, but actually to be able to build something new all over again. in a way you never end the old relationship and they are always there as a reminder to what it should be the next time. this could become an obstacle in building fresh totally different relationships, which are probably healthier to us. you keep comparing it to what you had and still have in many ways :)
So maybe in some way we should hate our ex? what do you think?
Zizi
Hey Zizi,
ReplyDeleteGreat to read your lines, welcome to the blog!
Interesting it is indeed to deal with change, and particularity dealing with the very potent question you've raised - What would be the best way to deal with building new, while coping with the shadow of the old. I'm assuming the shadow is still there due to your having some mutual children, right? well dear, in that case, you'll indeed be coupled as parents, for life ;-)
It might be a good idea to first grasp the notion of this continuance (the sooner the better)... Then the last question within your text would have a more realistic view and context (Is there a place for hate here?). Taking some pre-defined positions in light of the new realities might be a great place to start.
Zizi, How about the following questions: Should we keep comparing? Should we keep the past alive, to the point it becomes a potential obstacle? How much space are we really leaving for real, updated new experiences without heavily assuming?
Adam
of course we shouldn't, but we do:)
ReplyDeleteit amazes me how insecure people are when it comes to relationships. how hard it is for most to simply say i like you i want to get to know you better, and to act accordingly. :)
They will start questioning, check-marking, without realizing they are basically blocking any chance to develop friendship, and without realizing they do it because they are afraid. If you are not afraid you will develop friendship with someone who is not perfect but is still appealing. if you are afraid you will always find some reason to keep your distance.:)
I will keep following your blog, you are way ahead of me in terms of grasping the meaning of separation.
zizi
Thanks Zizi.
ReplyDeleteYour lines have inspired my latest blog, dealing with 12 degrees of Separation.
What say you?