Pro(b)log

An ultimate immune-system has not  been invented yet, for human Relationship based interactions.

Well, as unique mammals, we seem to have an enhanced built-in habit to involuntarily attach suffering to our “goodbyes”, kind of a “must-pay” SAT (Sadness Added Tax).

Yep, Surely, Divorce is a very complex Goodbye…

Sometimes we’re the initiators, sometimes we’re not.

While going through the process, are we acting out our own role and true will ( What do I want, why? how do I want it? what would be the best way to deal with it, choose etc.)? or are we acting out our Mammal fundamental instincts ( Fight or flee, friend or foe, Lawyers, Survival...) ?

Let's Imagine a Post-Divorce scene which does not necessarily have the look & feel of a Crime scene, and can actually have humanly sane grounds & seeds to enable a safe move forward.  

There is defiantly no formula on “How to do it right” but true hints and insights are there to be found.

After a very successful personal experience and after coaching multiple couples on ways to avoid the default and make it happen, I felt it’s time to share it on-line.

Feel free to share, tip, ask, challenge and communicate your lines, photos, Art using this blog stage.

Adam

Lot's Wife - Take it forward

This post is dedicated to all of us that have so many excuses on why to look back,
while forgetting to look forward...

Lot’s wife 


They say I looked back out of curiosity.
But I could have had other reasons:


I looked back mourning my silver bowl.
Carelessly, while tying my sandal strap.
So I wouldn't have to keep staring at the righteous back
of my husband Lot's neck.
From the sudden belief that if I dropped dead
he wouldn't so much as hesitate.
From the disobedience of my silent will.
Checking for pursuers.
Struck by the silence, hoping God had changed his mind.
Our two daughters were already vanishing over the hilltop.
I felt age within me. Distance.
The pointless action of wandering. Energy drained.
I looked back setting my bundle down.
I looked back not knowing where to set my foot.
Serpents appeared on my path,
spiders, field mice, baby vultures.
They were neither good nor evil now--every living thing
was simply creeping or hopping along in the mass panic.
I looked back in despair.
In shame because we had stolen away.
Wanting to cry out, to go home.
Or only when a sudden gust of wind
unbound my hair and lifted up my robe.
It seemed to me that they were watching from the walls of Sodom
and bursting into thunderous laughter again and again.
I looked back in anger.
To savor and enjoy their terrible fate.
I looked back for all the reasons given above.
I looked back involuntarily.
It was only a rock that turned underfoot, roaring at me.
It was a sudden crack that stopped me in my tracks.
A hamster on its hind paws tottered on the edge.
It was then we both glanced back.
No, no. I ran on,
I crept, I flew upward
until darkness fell from the heavens
and with it roasting stones and dead birds.
I couldn't breathe and spun around and around.
Anyone who saw me must have thought I was dancing.
It's not inconceivable that my eyes were open.
It's possible I fell facing the city.


Wisława Szymborska (2 July 1923 – 1 February 2012) 

1st degree of separation - Lonesomeness – Freedom

 So, whether you are a new comer to the world of separation, or you’re currently residing within a new ripple return of the first phase kind-of-sensitivity, the following statement shall not raise your eyebrow:

Music is heavily getting into your life now and words within the songs tend get new meanings…

Well, you’re probably nodding or at least wearing your half smiley face by now…

Why is that? Why are we so sensitive during the initial period? Why are we finding comfort in songs (usually sad ones), what is there that is so inspiring?

Hopefully, we can agree that reacting to music is amongst the most basic things we do (We’ll drill down on “Man and Music” within the next post)

The sign of returning to the basics is probably a good sign, as this also means that we’re back into self-aid, self observation and self dependency,

The most potent energy we can harness probably resides within ourselves, not depending on any external string or rope for help.  This is essentially the definition of freedom, right?

Now, even though you can still smell your little baby girls' scent floating around the room,  their colorful notes left near your bedside and the sound of their innocent laughter is all phantomly around you....it’s time to stand tall exactly where you are, be what you are and do what you do -  “be content with your lot” and move forward with the right dosage of new born freedom. You're not alone and never will be!

As two legged, upstanding mammals, the ground is always there for us, a basic thing. We never wonder, while waking-up if there shall be a floor for us to stand upon or not…. So is our freedom.

Welcome back to basic land.  You don’t have to go find it, you just have to trace it back and return to your freedom zone.

Though moving ahead can be a by-product of doing nothing, positioning ourselves in Uncomforting-blues – can sometimes result in jumping on the loop of “something is wrong here”

For artistic minds, the above loop is essentially the fuel for their being, but the thing is that this artistic motivating fuel, results in a new creation.

What is your new creation?

(Post Graphics Credit- Celso Junior)

12 Degrees of Seperation

Marriage has always been central to most civilization and culture, and there is evidence that divorce has just as long a history, with its beginnings in the distant past.

Comedian Robin Williams famously said the word divorce is, "from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." 

While this is obviously humor, the word does have Latin origins and is related etymologically to divert,  in the sense of separating things.

When looking at an updated dictionary for a definition we get:

di·vorce

–noun

1. A judicial declaration dissolving a marriage in whole or in part, especially one that releases the husband and wife from all matrimonial obligations. Compare judicial separation.

2. Any formal separation of husband and wife according to established custom.

3. Total separation; disunion: a divorce between thought and action.

As the first 2 are obvious, let's try to focus on the 3rd. definition - Total separation, disunion between things.

The following are some commonly disunions that are not being commonly dealt-with and neglected while divorcing. We simply seem to forget how to divorce between -

Old -New

Lonesomeness - Freedom

Peer-pressure - True will

Acting - Being

Victimizing - Dealing

Social - Personal

Revenge - Taking positions

Responding - Deciding

Past - Future

Drama - Reality

Ego – Real need

Well?

  

"....First, put your Oxygen mask on, only then assist your child with his....."

Well, our parental instinct is to jump over our children, take immediate care of all their needs, then, if we still have time, we might get into some self attendance.  Right?

Now, let's take a closer  look at the first post-divorce period, are we really serving them best while  going for a "let's take care of the kids first" approach? or should we, as responsible parents, put  our "oxygen mask' on, take a good long inhaling breath and only then go for theirs? 

Share your thoughts and comment.

Adam